I realize that I might have to change the name of this blog in a month’s time. Since I will be turning 40 then. I still can’t believe that I have finally reached the age when I first considered my parents to be old. I was almost ten years old at that time. All I could say was, “Eeeew, they’re so ooooold!” (Cue whiny tone.) Fast forward thirty years later, and what do you get? Me, at almost 40. Except I don’t feel old. I don’t feel young either. But I don’t as hell feel that dreaded word, O-L-D.
I’ve never been much of a writer. I prefer to talk. And talk. And talk. But then, I also don’t like hearing my own voice, so that ruled out having my own podcast. I shall try with Herculean effort to keep this site alive. Habits are formed if we keep at it right?
I initially wanted to put up this page as a community for “people seeking comfort and solace about turning middle age and being single” and that we can all sing together Michael Jackson’s song, “You are not alone.” (I’m singing it in my head now as I type.) It sounded so kind and caring and noble. But really, I have way too many thoughts in my head to put into words and who knows what will happen tomorrow. So, if I can reach just even one person with what I’ve put here, I will consider myself a resounding success. Yes, small victories. Small victories turn to big victories. I shall aim at one first before going after world domination!
Hold on a sec! Since I did put my heading as Confessions of a 40-something woman, I need to start doing some confessing. Prepare for written verbal diarrhea….
- I thought that by the time I reached this age, I would be married to a loving husband with 3 wonderful kids (Caitlyn Summer, Julianna Rain, and Harper Hill). I would have an awesome family life and everything will be perfect. Reality check, I have none of those but I do love my family.
- I thought I would have this marvelous and lucrative career and I’d be this hotshot executive with perfectly manicured nails in fashionable power suits. Reality check, I did have that but I chose to go on a break. A pause, so to speak. More on that on subsequent posts.
- I have friends. Good friends, hangout friends, going out friends, deep conversation friends, work friends. No matter how many groups of friends you keep, you still feel lonely. As in mind-numbing lonely. I maintain a social life but I can’t stop myself from messaging my siblings or friends with that one ubiquitous line, “I feel so lonely.”
- I’m sick and tired of people saying I’m picky or than my “yuanfen” has either not arrived or has already come and gone. Yuanfen is this concept of fate and that potential relationship (good or bad) are predestined.
- Yes. I’m chubby. I’m attractive chubby. And everyone keeps telling me to lose weight because guys are visual creatures. I’ve been on so many diets trying to lose weight for a guy to like me. Which doesn’t really work. I need to lose weight for myself. Not for future, imaginary, potential Him-Who-Is-Not-Present-In-My-Life anyway. Thing is when I was at my thinnest, I was still single and now that I’m not a size 6, I still get guys coming up to me. Conclusion: confidence is key. More on that also.
- What started out as wanting to put up something to help people (see third paragraph) is turning out to be quite a cathartic experience for me. Congratulations! I’ve helped one. Me! So, I think I’ll keep at it.
All I can say is, it’s ok. It’s not the end of the world. You are not ALONE. I am here with you.